grindinnnnnnnn

After foregoing the opportunity to update my blog after writing the CFA exam and graduating university I decided now would be a better time to do it just to quickly go over my NIBC/JDC week. I'm going to do a complete year in review of 2011 within the next few days though. It will likely be long winded and full of text but may be a decent read depending on what you are looking for. It will outline a lot of what happened last year as well as looking at what I plan to do in the near future.

Within the last few days I've had very little to do compared to how hectic it has been the last couple of months for me. I'm sort of sitting around playing the waiting game until I get my CFA exam results back on the 24th. I'll get to the emotional rollercoaster that brought about later too. My plan is to eventually get my life sorted out and go on the job hunt for something in the finance world. I plan to get started within the next couple of days. Meanwhile I've just been basking in the downtime. Enjoying the finer things in life, like adequate sleep, which I've been in desperate need of lately. Unfortunately I can't get over this feeling of loneliness that is succumbing me. Which is strange considering how good my last week was and how close I felt to the people I was travelling with. It felt weird going to the university earlier this week for a press conference regarding our jdc results and feeling strange being at the school knowing I had no reason to be there anymore. And I felt like I was saying goodbye forever to the friends I made there with me. While that isn't the case at all it just felt like 'closure' a lot more than it should have. But I'll get back to this later...

Last week was super eventful for me. I had the pleasure of attending a few Business Case competitions, the first being the National Investment Banking Competition(NIBC) conference in Vancouver. Two friends and I submitted a case for the competition and while we didn't place in the top 10 we still managed to do well enough to get invited to the conference with all expenses paid. There were 134 teams from both the MBA and undergraduate level competing across the country and they had 20 extra tickets for delegates that competed. We were lucky enough to get three of the 20. I guess I have no reason to really complain about a free trip to a prestigious conference with plenty of finance firm HR reps in attendance but unfortunately I was very disappointed upon leaving. While we had done well enough to earn recognition from the organizing committee that was about as far as the recognition went. We were told it would be a great networking experience for us with plenty of opportunity to make business contacts and find jobs. We were told that the reps were surprised we did so well having no prior experience. Basically outside of the free trip we were promised a lot of things that never came to fruition. The HR reps from the finance world were only interested in the teams that finished in the top 10, which is understandable as they do deserve more credit I suppose. This was also further reinforced by us having separate networking times, of which the non competitor 'Career Fair' was a complete joke. We also attending multiple workshops and guest speaker lectures throughout the three days I was there. I felt that the content of the workshops I attended was quite pedestrian compared to the difficulty of the case we submitted. Outside of hearing the stories of speakers who had 'made it' in the industry it wasn't overly educational. The content was targeted towards people who had significantly less finance knowledge than I would have expected. I guess I was expecting to be around people who were the top finance students from across the country, but based on the quality of the questions the delegates asked as well as their general knowledge in the workshops I didn't feel that was the case at all. What I 'took away' from the first two days was that I literally had no shot to make it in this industry because:

A) I came from a place that wasn't Vancouver or Toronto,
B) I wasn't the top of my class in universities in either of those locations,
C) and I didn't have enough differentiating factors to make myself stand out.

Basically what I took from it was that I had absolutely no shot. While the truth was what I wanted to hear, at the same time it really wasn't what I wanted to hear. Taking away all of the hope I had in finding a solid job was so deflating. I felt crushed and unbelievably disappointed. It really made me question all of the choices I made when I was deciding what University I should attend, and what career path I should take. If I would have known back then what I know now I would have done things a lot differently...

But it's not all bad news though. It just means that I have to work that much harder to actually go somewhere; To make something of myself. And I suppose NIBC did have some positives to it as well. It wasn't until the gala night at the end of the conference when the top three teams presented their case to a panel of industry judges that I really felt like anyone had a clue what they were talking about; That I felt like I was truly around some of the finest finance minds across the country. Not only were their presentation skills phenomenal but it was very clear that they knew their material. After watching the first team present I felt outclassed and got chills. They had that cocky, know-it-all attitude that you need to succeed in this industry. I don't think I've ever been intimidated by anyone on an intellectual level but that was probably the closest I've come. It was more of a genuine respect for them though. However after watching the final two presentations, along with the MBA presentations, I felt more at ease. I felt like I could compete with them and along with that I felt even more disappointed. If only our entrance case had been slightly stronger we could've been there presenting in front of that panel of judges instead of in the audience watching. Knowing how close we had come but having nothing to show for it was just heartbreaking. We did get to hear the CEO of GoldCorp speak after the presentations though, which was a pleasure. He had a very good ending speech to the conference, and all in all I was happy to be there. Regardless of how I felt after I knew it was what I needed to hear.

Following that conference we ended up flying out to Edmonton the next day for the JDC West competition. It's a competition that you can't really describe until you are a part of it. A mix of academics, athletics, and social challenges. I know I've gone over this last year and the year before as this is my third year competing in it so I won't get too far into the logistics of it. I was on the Finance case team this year, which is my academic forte. I told myself right when I got off of the plane into Edmonton that I wouldn't be happy with anything less than first place. The last two years I placed second in sport and third on the International Business case team and I needed the first to complete the trifecta. We presented our case on the final day of the competition and following it I felt the same way I did coming out of writing the CFA exam. I had no idea how well I did. I might have crushed it, and I might have done terribly, but was happy with the way I presented. After our feedback session later in the day I was really frustrated though. The feedback we got didn't seem to resonate with anything we had done in our presentation and I wasn't even sure if we would even place top three let alone win. The gala and awards ceremony came so fast again that weekend. It feels like one long day full of little sleep and random events. During the awards the same scenario came up this year that came up last year as well. The first few teams that were announced all came through from our school. We finished second in Sport, MIS, and Business Strategy, as well as first in Marketing. And then, like last year, we didn't hear our name called again for a long stretch of awards. I had another rush of emotions flowing through me. I was so proud of the teams that did so well, and crushed for the teams that didn't place. Seeing the looks on peoples' faces when they didn't place, how they felt like they let the team down; It's hard to watch. When we got to the finance awards I really wasn't expecting to place anymore. But, like last year, our school was the first one called, and we finished third place. Oddly enough I wasn't disappointed at all, contrary to how I thought I would feel when I got off the plane. The team that finished first in Finance finished fourth in the NIBC competition, and the team that finished second had a friend of mine from highschool on it. Based on this I was content with where we placed. On top of placing our school ended up winning school of the year, which is an unreal accomplishment. Another year, another team, and more great memories...

I guess this ended up being longer than I intended...

The first pic is my finance team, I'm on the left, the others are just group photos of our team.

-dj

0 votes

Comments (5)

What I had originally intended to be a means of self promotion for my twitter account ended up snowballing into an update of random frustrations and the transition phase of my life easing out poker and focusing on the path to a career. I had, as usual, been meaning to update this multiple times in the past few months across several subjects of thought that came to mind. However I guess I never felt there was enough substance for an adequate post. Lately I've been thinking a lot more about everything in my life, which doesn't make too much sense as its been one of the busiest times in my life, but maybe it's just because I'm busier that I have more to think about? I've always been the type to try to keep myself busy when I was unsure about things in life. When I didn't know what to do it just acted as an outlet or made me forget about anything that bothered me. I felt more at ease. Now I tend to guilt trip myself into staying busy purely for the sake of staying busy. Always ensuring I have something to do and when I don't I look to take on more. Things would probably go smoother if I was better at prioritizing or was more organized, but that feels like a
lot to ask of myself...

Its interesting though, for the first time in my life I'm feeling challenged. Perhaps due to the vast amount of things taking up space in my life on a wide spectrum of subjects both personally and academically. Each task individually a lot less complicated than the amalgamation of everything, but the combination of everything stresses me out at times. I still don't feel like I've taken on too much though. I'm in control of most things, and feel relatively grounded. I'll get to the specifics later on...

Since quitting poker I really haven't had the urge to come back to it. Not that I have time to even toy with the idea, but it's been interesting making the transition. Even without poker my sleep schedule suffers. I end up pulling 10-12 hour days of pure schoolwork combined with extracurriculars and still adequate sleep is nowhere to be found. My body has become accustomed to the feeling of being burnt out everyday; Still able to function with few hours of sleep. A typical scenario for an involved university student I suppose, but not healthy at all. And on top of that I don't drink coffee or energy drinks either, so I'm running purely on willpower most days...

I actually decided to play live for the first time in quite awhile the other day though. It was tournament week in the city and I thought I should go down to the casino to see some friends. I still find it so sad that the relative skill level of people never changes. The same obliviousness and the same mistakes over and over again. My city is kind of a bizarre melting pot where nobody ever improves and everyone is content slowly bleeding away money. I suppose it's relatively similar everywhere else though. I played for maybe 5 hours and ended up getting queen high flush draws in on flops for 4 buyin pots twice into smaller flush draws and holding both times. The experience, as per most live sessions, greatly amused me...

So what ends up keeping me overly busy on a day to day basis? Well I'm currently involved in a bunch of extra curricular stuff including; two case competition teams, an investment team, three
soccer teams, a frisbee team, writing the cfa exam, have classes everyday, three group projects to do, volunteering, etc. etc. On top of that attempting to maintain a balanced social life. All in all it's quite time consuming and draining...

Lately I've found a very strange dynamic forming on one of my case teams. It's a case competition with 50 people on the team from the same school and the object of the competition is to both academically compete and to, I guess, 'grow as a team'. However the dynamic forming is pretty much frustrating me to no end on a day to day basis. While I do have good friends on the team, the entirety of it is becoming ridiculously juvenile. It almost feels like highschool drama hour every other day with the group. I really have no idea when people began to no longer respect each other on a personal level and felt the need to pry into everyone elses life incessently. I suppose this is a strange rant to randomly go on considering nobody reading this will have a clue what I'm talking about but it's just continuing to distract me from more important things I need to be focusing on now. Especially when I happen to inadvertantly get dragged into the middle of all of the drama because of random situations I get myself involved in. Idk who can relate to this but it just feels like a social trend shift amongst the people I spend time with from one that used to be motivational and stable to one that is careless and immature. The people haven't changed either, just the mindsets. On top of that it feels like the quality of the University I'm at has gone downhill significantly too from a student perspective. I'm not saying I put in a ton of effort or study all the time because I don't do anything like that but in general it seems like most people aren't willing to go above the bare minimum to achieve anything anymore. It's kind of sad really. And I suppose this makes me a hypocrite considering it was the exact same place I was in years ago but these are 4th year students about to graduate and get out into the real world but they can't even figure out how to cope with their day to day lives. Some are incapable of respecting each other and lack basic social skills. It's a frustrating atmosphere to be a part of at times; difficult to be around people who aren't motivated in the same way you are to succeed. Maybe I'm just noticing this now because of a shift in own mindset...But I'll digress I'm sort of getting off on a tangent here...

Oddly enough I haven't really felt the pressure of the CFA exam coming up at all. I write the test December third or fourth and I've literally done 10 hours of studying total, which consisted of me reading the first of either 6 or 7 books(yeah I literally don't even know how many books there are...). I took a mock test and of the questions I attempted I got a 58% on them, which for doing absolutely no studying is a pretty good result I think. The general knowledge base I have for the finance portion of the test really stood out. Unfortunately I know nothing about accounting nor do I have interest in learning anything and it's really hurting my marks in that section. Typically people study for 5 months in advance for this test because of how difficult it is supposed to be...yet here I am three weeks before the test with literally nothing done, and I don't really understand why. I actually do enjoy taking the tests and learning things though so hopefully I can motivate myself quickly. I'm just frustrated that I'm still acting so nonchalant about it, with absolutely no sense of urgency...

Another aspect of my life that has been semi-frustrating has been on the relationship front. I seem to be getting myself into similar situations time and time again and can't really figure out why it keeps happening. It's always a factor of being stuck in a sort of limbo 'waiting' while 'not waiting'. Maybe thats not the best way of explaining it, but regardless it frustrates me at times. However its more of a 'being frustrated at myself' as opposed to the situation. Potentially it could stem from not knowing what I want; That seems like the easiest 'cop out' per se. I just tend to entertain things as they come up, never really getting too committed to anything and just having a good time; which I guess has always been my nature, but may not be the best way to approach the situations. I feel like I never truly know what I want though in this respect, which kind of amuses me because of how honest I am with myself. And like a lot of other subjects in my life, its just another aspect I overanalyze with futile results...

I guess I shouldn't conclude this without getting back to the intention of it in the first place. I apparently need to advertise my twitter account for one of these case competitions and get followers...

So if you actually read through this in its entirety and are on twitter I'm: @djforeverr.

I toyed with the idea of changing my blog title to something more fitting, as this has become less of a blog about poker, and more about the transitioning into a 'normal life'(the relativity of this term is becoming quite apparent to me) but I guess its still all about the grind, I'm just experiencing a different medium for doing it. Outside of the limited frustration though, this has been a really positive time in my life, and I've loved nearly every second of it. I've come to grips with the realization that while it is the time in my life that may define my future the most, theres no reason I should inflict any added pressure on myself to do everything perfectly. I've been really lucky with what I've done for myself to have the ability to not have to worry about anything, and I'm taking solace in the fact that I have plenty of time to figure my life out, wherever it ends up going.

-dj

0 votes

Comments (4)

I guess now would be a good time to write about my trip to Las Vegas this summer. Something I'd been meaning to do for awhile but been too busy to get around to it. Waiting as long as I did to write about it was probably a good thing though. It just ensures that I'll stay level headed about the entire thing without being results oriented. I'm not gonna go too far in detail on everything, moreso just describe how well I did in poker and my emotional state throughout. The trip itself was something I had wanted to do since I started playing poker. For years, dreams of the money, fast cars, women, and general lifestyle fueled my desire to succeed in the game. It was the 'high life' or so I always thought. That sense of freedom, mixed in with a bit of that degeneracy that every poker player has. I had always expected this trip to kind of culminate that. That future I wanted to build for myself was finally coming to fruition. Unfortunately my mind wasn't where it used to be anymore. I no longer desired those things, but I still wanted to taste it. See what I 'missed out on' per se. I've always been that way I suppose, curious to what I missed out on. What I gave up in order to get something else. And that was always a subject I revisited everytime I reflected on the choices I made. But I'm getting slightly off track.

This was my first trip to Vegas. I had just turned 21 and normally this would've been the perfect time for me to really feel this lifestyle, but I had been toying with the idea of quitting poker for a few months. Instead of a 'first taste' kind of trip, it felt more like a farewell to the game. It really felt different than any other trip in the past. Regardless of that I kept an open mind and tried to treat it as I had any other. And like any other trip I didn't really feel the excitement of it until I stepped on the plane. Being in the air really has a sort of pseudo freedom effect on me. Like I'm leaving everything behind literally and figuratively. Going away from the stress of my life at home, and stepping into another world, where I've always felt so comfortable. Oddly enough it always kind of felt like I was living in two different worlds. Where things so normal in one felt so abnormal in the other. And I never really knew where I belonged. But again I'm getting slightly off track.

I landed in the Calgary airport on June 1st and ended up meeting a friend who I played poker with in Regina. He was on the same flight to Vegas I was, and after both of us finished getting hassled at customs for bringing money across the border, we had lunch in the airport. It was here that I realized what I was going to be a part of for the next few weeks. He told me that for someone in my position, the city had everything I could ask for. The lights; the allure; the temptation. I would never want to leave. And oddly enough when I landed in Vegas I felt that way. I felt so good. Physically and mentally. No stress, no worries and no problems. Seeing the strip for the first time was interesting. Everything is so much more extravagent than it has to be. Though I'm sure some would say not extravagent enough. A place where everyone is trying to one up the next person just to get a few more customers. This was a city where you could get anything you wanted if you tipped somebody enough. And we definitely took advantage of that throughout the trip.

The Rio itself seemed like a lower class hotel, which at the time didn't bother me at all. I was just happy to be there. After getting to the hotel room I caught up with Alex who just woke up and got myself settled. After relaxing for a few minutes, I immediately got that urge to grind. Walking down that long hallway to the poker room for the first time was an exhilarating experience. Previous player of the year posters hanging from the ceiling on either side. A large 'Welcome to the 2011 WSOP' poster hanging in front of the poker room. But it wasn't until I saw the hundreds of tables in the poker room that I really felt in my element. I went to grab some lunch at the poker kitchen before going to the high limit area to see if any mixed games were running. I ended up getting the last open seat on a 50/100 stud8 game. Even though I hadn't slept the night before I decided to play from about noon until 3am, taking one break for dinner with Alex. Looking back at it, this probably wasn't the best way to spend the first day there. Going without sleep for for over 24 hours, and having my first WSOP event to play the next day. But I guess hindsight is always 20/20, and I recall feeling great the entire time. My first session in that game ended up being a +$4800 session. I knew I had been running pretty hot but based on the calibre of play in the game I had found the cashgame I was going to grind for the rest of the series.

The next day before the event I happened to run into a few friends from Edmonton who were down for the series as well. They had a car, condo, and general knowledge of the city which really ended up making my experience great. From there that 'little bit of degeneracy' pretty much came out. As there ended up being ample amounts of champagne filled chinese poker games every other night and credit card roulette for literally everything that we paid for. And of course it all felt normal, because its just what we do. Thats one of those things that really doesn't translate into my normal life. I really found it clear when Alex had one of his friends from Toronto come to Vegas who doesn't play poker. It felt kind of strange doing the things we did when he was around. Felt like a spot where that bad reputation society seems to have of poker players would amplify. He had a great time though and seemed in awe of what we did I guess. But I'll get into that later. Anyways...my first event was the $1500 stud event and it began at 5:00 so I had plenty of time to prepare and have some dinner beforehand. This tournament ended up being the strangest tournament I have ever played. I ended up at a table with Johnnybax, 7CardRyon, and the rest were randoms who didn't have much of a clue how to play. I ended up losing literally every pot I played that got past third street. The strange part was I had a zenlike attitude throughout the entire tournament. Nothing seemed to phase me at all. I lost every pot I played but I was just so content, and I had no idea why. I ended up busting about 10 minutes after the first break, which in a limit tournament is really hard to do haha. I continued to hold that attitude throughout most of the first two weeks I was there. This proved to really keep me level headed as looking back on it I should have been much more upset.

Following my first winning session in that stud8 game I ended up losing every single day for the next two weeks everytime I played it. The 2 week stretch of losing sessions included a 150/300 shot where I lost $6000 as well. The first two weeks in Vegas were just a really big disappointment pokerwise. I played the $1500 6max event, $1500 shootout, and $1500 HORSE tournament in that time as well with no cashes. The deepest I got was surviving to two hours before the end of day one in the HORSE event. I never even made a day two. But thankfully I was having too good of a time to even let my abysmal poker results affect me. I did well enough in our chinese poker games and well enough in our credit card roulette's that I only finished down $7500 for the first two weeks with all expenses included. Which I guess wasn't too bad financially either.

Outside of poker we ended up keeping pretty busy. We saw a few cirque shows, O and La Reve, which were literally the most beautiful shows I've ever seen. I can't even put into words how amazing I thought they were. Definitely something I'd recommend to anyone going to Vegas. Every other show we saw seems almost not worth mentioning in comparison. One thing that does though was golfing at the nicest course I've ever played at. That was an awesome experience as well. Over the first two weeks we really did strike a great balance between going out, degenning, and playing poker. Making sure everyone got to play the events they wanted to, but still having time to go and see the sites. Even though I lost money over the first few weeks, it felt like it was worth it.

During this time Alex's friend Paul came down to Vegas for a week just to hang out. Oddly enough the things we did felt kind of strange when he was around. He wasn't a poker player so he wasn't accustomed to the degeneracy and general indifference to money we showed. And he ended up profiting from our indifferences haha. This was the first time I kind of felt like I didn't really want this lifestyle. Not because of anything he did, it was just the situation overall. And I had a talk about it with Alex later too. If I would have brought any of my friends there I think they would have been uncomfortable for sure. I act differently when I'm around poker players which is obviously understandable, and it feels normal at the time. Maybe I just feel this way because I dont have anyone from my city that can really understand what would be going on, and be able to differentiate between the feelings of normalicy? I think that's the reason, and this comes back to what I said earlier about feeling like I'm in two different worlds. I really try to keep them apart, even though at times it feels impossible. Having nobody to relate to in the day to day life feels very isolating a lot of the time. Which is just a byproduct of playing the game I suppose.

After the first two weeks I ended up going back home for 10 days. I had some work I needed to get done at home and had a break between events. It seemed like the right thing to do as I didn't want to get burnt out playing live cashgames against the same crowd of people every day. When I got back home I realized what I missed about my poker lifestyle. It was the people. Not the gamble, not the degeneracy, not winning a lot of money. It was just the people I got to know through it. That was one interesting thing about Vegas. It was during 'black friday' so a lot of people were unsure what they were going to do with their lives. Hearing people toying with the same emotions I did debating whether or not to give up the game comforted me. They could understand what I was going through and it just made my decision to quit feel more right. After my 10 day break back home I felt as refreshed as I could be. I was ready to get back into the fray and hopefully grind out some profit on the second half of the trip.

It was strange though, this time felt different than the first time. I knew what to expect and was prepared for everything, but it just felt off. The toxic atmosphere of the place had finally began to wear on me and I could see it clearly now. That initial excitement to grind had passed. Even though I could still see the temptation everywhere, I didn't want any of it anymore. Seeing every grinders miserable face day after day drained the life out of me. It turns out there were very few redeeming factors about the lifestyle after the money had lost its lustre. Watching people treat each other so badly over a few hundred dollars was ridiculous. Poker brings out the worst in everyone. And its an atmosphere I really don't want to be a part of. Where people refuse to be decent human beings. Where nobody is ever happy. The negative stigma of the game was so clear now. Thankfully I haven't gotten consumed by it.

Outside of this realization the second half of the trip was purely business. I went to play the $2500 Razz event and $2500 OE event. The two events I felt I had the biggest edge in. When both of these events went poorly I literally felt crushed. I felt like a failure. It felt like these two events were my last real shot to make a big run. I know its just short term variance or whatever but at the time I just remember feeling at one of the lowest points of my life. After all of the work I put into this game with results so far below what I initially wanted and now I was giving it up. It was so mentally deflating. Between the atmosphere and my performance it really turned into a negative second half of the trip. I ended up making $5300 in the 50/100 stud8 game the first night, but proceeded to lose every single session after it. Overall for the two legs of the trip I lost $12500, but again the money didn't really bother me.

Results aside, I had a great time. I met a lot of good people, and am very glad I got to experience everything I did.

And now that I'm back home I'm beginning to feel scared for the first time in what feels like forever. The next few months of my life are pretty much going to define the rest of my future. I'm going to graduate at the end of the year. I'm going to write my CFA Level 1. I'm going to get thrown into the job world for the first time in my life and I really don't know what's going to happen. Will I be able to find work in the field I want to work in? Where will I be living at the end of the year? I don't know the answers to these questions yet. On top of that my girl is going on an exchange overseas for the next few months too. I guess I just feel really overwhelmed right now and am just kind of beginning to realize the magnitude of my choices over the next few months on my life. Uncertainty is the one thing that scares me, and the real scary thing is it hasn't fully sunk in yet...

0 votes

Comments (14)